Thursday, September 23, 2010

The days starting with T and ending in Y

I woke up on Tuesday morning in the middle of one of those freak out moments. I must have been amidst a dream because the first thought I had was, "what am I doing with my life!?"

Monday was not a great day for Baby and I. It wasn't an awful day; it just was, meh. And I left with that feeling of, oh goodness, can I really keep doing this?

It is not that I don't love Baby. Because I do, times a zillion. And it is not that I don't enjoy the life of a nanny. Because it really does have many hidden perks. Television. Nap time. Our day is for us to use. Food. Childhood innocence. Laughter.

But, it can get lonely and mundane. And that was what I was feeling on Tuesday morning when I woke up. Unsettled. Discontent.

On Monday, I was grumpy. I selfishly wanted the day to be mine and mine alone. And I wondered if maybe I didn't have enough kindness and patience to keep getting up at 6 in the morning to go spend ten hours entertaining.

But this is just what I felt after Monday.

Thank goodness for Tuesdays. Because Tuesday was an incredible day. I made sure that Baby and I didn't just sit around all day, me twiddling my thumbs and her mandating my attention. Instead, we went to the park, went for a long walk, went to starbucks, worked on learning things, sang songs, danced.

At the end of the day, I felt like we had been productive. I felt like I had 't just done my job, but felt fulfilled in it as well.

And then I realized what was really knocking me out of sorts. Since I've started working again, the time I have had to write has gone down significantly. And this ultimately culminates in me staring at the computer screen with a blank expression whenever I do try to write. I feel disheartened. I think, do I have the patience to keep going with this? To actually finish this story?

Nannying and writing are similar. They both require many of the same things. Patience. Devotion. Follow through. Coffee. They both have moments where the characters/child just do not want to cooperate. And they both have moments where they require your undivided attention. Times when the child won't eat, or the scene doesn't want to fit. Or moments where you just can't change another diaper or write another character description. But then, Baby gives you a hug, or all of a sudden a character you thought was minor does something shocking and turns into the lead, and it all becomes worth it again.

I realize though what I have been lacking when it comes to both. Imagination and a sense of adventure. I just need to return to that place in my mind where there are no holds barred. Where there are no limits on the story I tell or the adventures Baby and I go on.

I just need to grab my cup of coffee, take that chip off my shoulder, and stop getting boggled down with making everything perfect.

Now it is Thursday and the weekend is not such a distant thought. And I am reminding myself with each moment, that regardless of good days or bad days, these are two things I am committed to. There is no giving up. There is no deleting the file and saying I quit. They are my jobs. My life.

And if a pep talk fails... I listen to this!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Questions? Comments? Snide remarks?