Monday, January 7, 2013

What to do? What to do? What to do?

a post about my aimless life

The past few months in my life have been wonderful. I was given a grace period. An era of reprieve where I could sit on my couch and not really think about the future. So, I didn't. I wrote a book, started a handful of WIPs, and overall basked in the beauty of being a starving artist who was perfectly well fed. 

Of course, the grace period has come to an end. I've hit the roundabout on the journey and seem to be unfortunately stuck going round and round, unsure of which way to go out. 

I'm getting a bit dizzy. 

I would like to go back the way I came. Return to the couch, lapdesk and ever so brilliant writing projects. I have a really cozy apartment, great coffee maker, and a couch that doesn't let you go. I know who I am in here. I'm a girl in a ten by ten room who simultaneously exists in an endless universe. 

I've recently finished a full first draft of my very first book. The story starts with a boy who has spent his life locked in a room. The only life he knows comes from other people's memories. He is content with this life. Because it is the life he knows. When a pretty girl shows up one day and breaks him out of the room, he isn't so sure this is for the better. At first he hates being beyond the comfort of the four walls that not only kept him in but everything else out. Then he begins to see things, like the stars and the ocean. Things he has seen in memories but never experienced for himself. 

The reality for him and the reality for me is that the world is scary outside of our comfort zone. It is literally terrifying. Because when we are outside of the the walls that hold us, we have to figure out who we are. We have to decide what life we are going to lead. 

I love my life inside of this apartment. And should a fairy leave another grace period under my pillow in the middle of the night, I would more than accept it. But eventually we have to break free. Eventually we have to go a different direction on the roundabout. We have to let go of the comfort and let in a bit of the terrifying. Once we do, we might finally discover that we really aren't aimless after all.

Or maybe we will discover that aimless isn't really such a bad thing. Sometimes we need to get a little bit lost to finally find ourselves.  

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Questions? Comments? Snide remarks?