Monday, February 11, 2013

Oscar Noms | According to Me


As the Academy Awards draw ever nearer, it becomes increasingly more important to stay up to date on all of your Oscar knowledge. I have committed myself to the task of keeping you six readers very, very informed.

Today, I am going to teach you about the different awards and what they mean, according to me...

BEST PICTURE-
Best movie. Or best strange, overly dramatic, scratch your head movie of the year.

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Best male performance in a film. The actor who was the most dirty, thin, ugly, or bizarre.


ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Best female performance in a film. The actress who presented the most women empowerment.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Best male performance of someone with little screen time. I know, let's put Tommy Lee Jones in an ugly wig. He will win the award for sure even though he wasn't a very important character.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Best female performance of someone with little screen time. Oh, she let us cut off her hair for her five minutes of screen time. She should totally win.

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
Best movie that is animated and regulation film length. A.k.a. Tim Burton and Pixar were busy again.

CINEMATOGRAPHY
The way the camera films the movie. Lets make it look shaky and out of focus half the time. The academy will be impressed. Or...film it in Imax and 3D.



COSTUME DESIGN
The odd things the characters wear. Why that? Seriously. Why?



DIRECTING
The person who calls all the shots. The boss. Or the person who hooks up with all the young actresses.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
A real life, usually boring film about something pertaining to obesity, war, politics, disease etc.

DOCUMENTARY SHORT
Same as above but shorter.

FILM EDITING
How they manage to make a lot of crap look good. Really the most important person.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
A best picture that is spoken in any language other than english. Also known as, a movie with more nudity than America is comfortable showing.

MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING
What happens to the actors hair and faces to make them look like their characters. Usually those who manage to make the characters look the ugliest seem to win.


MUSIC ORIGINAL SCORE
The best music that is played throughout the movie to make it seem more dramatic. Alexandre Desplat? Howard Shore? Hans Zimmer? John Williams? Who will win this year?

MUSIC ORIGINAL SONG
Sometimes they write songs for movies. Then they get nominated if they have a big enough singer/writer.

PRODUCTION DESIGN
The aesthetic feel of the film. In other words, someone who shops at pottery barn verse ikea verse antique stores.



SHORT FILM ANIMATED
Drawn story that is not very long. Really? That deserves an academy award?

SHORT FILM LIVE ACTION
A not very long movie. A.k.a they were too lazy to make it longer.

SOUND EDITING
The way the sounds and music are recorded. Making sound effects like gun shots, blizzards, rain, etc.

SOUND MIXING
Making sure all those sounds go well together. Can you hear the dialogue over the loud gun shots...Or if you are my mother, how many times you need to ask for us to turn the television down because the sound effects are too loud.

VISUAL EFFECTS
How many beautiful shots of mountains were there? Was the actress pretty enough for slow shots of her lying on a beach? Yes, I will vote for Snow White and the Huntsman merely because Chris Hemsworth looks good in dirt.




WRITING ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
The writer came up with the idea and executed it. What was that movie about?

WRITING ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
The writer took someone else's hard work and made it into a popular movie. Yeah, no wonder nobody ever heard of that book...

And that's the Academy Awards according to me. 

Seriously though...The Academy Awards is the one award show where all of the people we would never acknowledge for their hardwork and talent get the recognition they deserve. A movie is so much more than good actors and appealing music. It is everyone coming together to form a cohesive picture that transports us through the screen and right into the scene of action. 

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