Sunday, November 9, 2014

The Words in My Head

Ever since I was young, I've been quiet. And I mean quiet. Like, I literally could count the words I spoke aloud in one day there were so few. Perhaps my loquacious older sister and my mother are to blame for speaking over me or for me when I was little.

(Me with my mom and sister - quietly observing the world at age 2)

 But more likely, my quietness is just my nature. I'm shy and introverted. I absorb internally rather than externally. Everything I see, hear, feel, experience--well that's all absorbed right into my core. And then it sits there inside, simmering. All these thoughts that I don't speak aloud have no where to go but my own mind. All these emotions that I don't verbalize have no choice but to cling on inside.

Inside, it is anything but quiet.

The words in my head are loud. Often times it is hard to think clearly around the chaos in there. All these thoughts swirl around like a tempest. Be it a thought, a worry, a plot, a plan--it all begins as a tiny seed of a thought that grows rapidly until it is a suffocating vine, gripping tightly. Screaming for me to listen.

Sometimes these thoughts grow so loud that I can't do anything else but listen.

I started writing a few years ago because words on a page were far easier for me to convey than words spoken out loud. Blogging became an amazing way to process. Just simply typing out an email to someone even if  never sent was my way of gaining a grip on a situation. Writing became a method for me to let out everything that was bubbling up inside. It was a way to take time to translate the wild ideas into clear thoughts.

Writers and creators are not always easy people to be or to be with. We are far too observant at times and far too aloof at others. We see too much when you wish we weren't looking. And we aren't paying attention when you wish we were. We don't communicate well on a surface level. And most people probably think we are just quiet. But the truth is, inside, there are millions of words shouting in our heads.

Inside, it is anything but quiet. 

1 comment:

  1. I saw you in Flow, and had to look at your blog.... I agree that writers are too observant at times, and aloof at others. Someone once told me I was a snob, that I tended to look down my nose at times, that I was aloof. OK, so what? I am a writer, write every day, in a journal, as well as short stories, occasionally a blog post, letters, emails.... and lists. I am an extrovert/introvert someone once said, I can be sociable and chatty, but prefer being quiet. Why waste breath if you have nothing to say? I am not good in groups, prefer one on one friendships, and the older I get - now in my sixties - the more choosy I am about who I spend time with. So it's just me and my darling husband, and that suits me (us) fine. And I just wish I could sometimes stop this whirling dirvish of a brain, that the thoughts would just slow down, I'm getting too old to keep up! Enjoy your day.


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