Sunday, November 1, 2015

If at first you don't succeed...

I'm going to keep this short and sweet. It is November. And, as someone who still sort of considers herself a writer, that means National Novel Writing Month. I failed last year. Not just in the month of November but during the year as a whole. I hardly took any time to sit down and write. My blog is an obvious testament to that seeing as the last post was in March.

Life has changed in that I have a full time, real person job. It takes a lot of energy, mental thought, and sociability. It is a good job. I'm learning to like it. However, without also writing, I'm feeling a bit lost. I survived life as a nanny for so long because I was also a writer. Writing was the aspect of my life that gave my soul purpose. It consumed my thoughts and gave me direction. Even though I've missed it, and thought time and time again that I should just sit down and write, I haven't been able to. My fear is that maybe for a while writing was something I was okay at. The time and place of my life were conducive to writing and so I wrote.  What if that time is gone?

I'm worried that writing isn't like riding a bike. Where it is a skill that's never really lost but takes a bit of time to get to the place where you can ride with your hands off the handlebars. But in time, you can get back to your old bike riding tricks. Perhaps, I fear, it is more like math. A skill that you slowly build from addition, to multiplication, to PEMDAS, to calculus. But stop doing math and goodness...the other day I had to use a calculator to subtract 500 from 2050. I remember these numbers because the inability for my mind to process the amount without thinking was kind of frightening. I used to be really good at math. And, I used to be able to write thousands upon thousands of words. And well, I was never all that great at riding a bike.

Anyway, this post's purpose is nothing more than to warm up my fingers and my mind. For in this month of November, I will write 50,000 words. I might be tired. I might fall behind on the dozens of shows I watch. And, I might need to use a calculator for simple math.

But what I hope comes from this month, is that the feeling deep down in my gut that comes from telling a story in words--my words--returns. That all encompassing need to write more. I hope I learn that I can still write, and even more, that I can still LOVE writing. I hope that writing steals away that time I spend obsessing over little things and devotes it instead to obsessing over character descriptions and plot trajectories. I hope writing gives me a new foundation to stand on. One that's firmer and based upon something I truly love.

I'm not going to go back and reread this post. I'm not going to edit the grammar or work on refocusing my analogies. What I'm going to do now, is post this. Because that's what NaNoWriMo is about. Spitting out words and sentences that maybe make no sense. For now, it isn't about making things perfect. It is about writing the words. 50,000 of them.

One month. 30 days. 50,000 words.

Let's go.

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