Sunday, March 19, 2017

3 Things For Myself

I haven't blogged in forever. Time has sped away from me in moments of busyness, moments of laziness, and moments of "where has the time even gone."

This weekend I've been overwhelmed by nostalgia. Thoughts of my past have flooded in during various moments. Triggered by the senses.

When the air was cool in the morning with the promise of a warm day ahead, I thought of a day in fifth grade when I stood on the playground wearing knee high purple socks and coral shorts and played four square. 

While waiting in the Starbucks drive through, the combination of the hot sun through the window, the warm breeze, and cool blast of the air conditioning, I felt myself instantly back at the beach on Long Island NY. A place I haven't been for a dozen years. I could even smell the salty ocean, feel the comforting discomfort of sand stuck to sticky skin, and taste the barbecue chips that were salty and sweet from the remnants of the ocean and sunscreen still on my fingertips.

Throughout the day, I kept recalling various moments from childhood and youth. Memories of a life not so long ago yet out of reach. Thinking so fondly and yet with a tinge of sorrow of this life before. Remembering happy times and simultaneously fearing how I'll never get back there.

Through the years, people have moved on. Weddings, babies, moves, new jobs, new interests... We are human, and we don't stay the same. Sometimes all that is left of a time in life is the memory. The people in the frame though once friends are now strangers. The place once your home now home to someone else. A girl in knee high socks now grown.

Suddenly the warmth of yesterday's nostalgia has turned to an unnerving feeling of being adrift in the uncertainty of tomorrow.

I know where I've been, but I am not quite sure where I'm going.

Amidst this sense of unknown, I wandered onto a post that expressed the need to do three things for yourself ( To eliminate the nervous energy of having to fill the day with activity, chores, and duties. But to allow a slow morning of enjoying a cup of coffee (or three). To do three things in this day that aren't focused on what the future holds or caught up in moments of the past.  But that give the today of my life its own meaning.

So... three things I will do for myself:

1. Buy cushions for my patio chairs.
2. Primp - despite having no where to be. I will shower, curl my hair, pluck my eyebrows, and paint my face with makeup.
3.  Choose the less healthy option for dinner simply because I know it will taste good.

And then tomorrow, I'll remember the way the sun shown in through my third story apartment windows. The way the birds kept landing on the table outside and chirping an endless song. The budding branches swaying with the gentle breeze. The deliberate decision to leave the closet a mess for just one more day. And I will remember that even though times have changed and more changes will soon follow, happy memories of the past will continue to serve as a reminder that life though moving forward is full of scents and sounds and people and places and emotions.

Life continues to move forward even if your stuck reliving the past. Don't let the days speed by without giving to each one a meaning. Don't get caught up in the anxiety of what others have and you don't. Or the fear that what once was shared is gone. Because life of today does not negate the past, but dwelling in what is lost will negate the future.

If today you feel as I...adrift. Grab hold and solidify three things for yourself. Make the most of today so that you don't wind up wasting numerous tomorrows.

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